William Faulkner, American author of The Sound and the Fury and As I Lay Dying, once said of fellow author Ernest Hemingway, "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." In response, Hemingway fired by back saying "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" At this point, you're probably thinking, "Ok, Jimmy has a degree in English, but must he write an entire blog post on authors? Didn't he do enough of that in college?" To answer you're question: 1) Yes I did; and 2) This has nothing to do with literature. It has everything to do with spirituality.
I chose to major in English for one main reason: I like words. I believe language is an incredibly powerful tool that God has blessed us with. Words have a deeper impact than many people realize. When used well, words can create an eloquent tapestry of emotion and description that can well up feelings of joy, sadness, suspense, and relief within our spirits. But each type of language has an appropriate time and setting. The vocabulary I used when writing collegiate papers, for instance, would seem out of place in conversation with my close friends. I don't need to use big words to convey my emotions to those I love. In fact, saying "Life is good" or "I'm frustrated with this" or "I miss you" comes across much as being much more sincere than "I'm experiencing triumph" or "I am thwarted by this" or "I yearn for your presence." Because at the root of it, I want my loved ones to see me my emotions for what they are: genuine. My emotions are enough, they don't require any dressing-up. I have nothing to prove to them. Why shouldn't the same apply to my relationship with God?
I am often put off by the cliches that are used so exhausted in Christian culture. Particularly in prayer. I am not so much irked by poetic language as it pertains to describing God or speaking of his majesty. He truly is great and it is most certainly appropriate to use the eloquence He Himself invented to create a glorious description of Him and His works. But personally, I find it hard to use this language when I'm talking to him and feel like I'm being authentic. It is not necessary. I do not need to try to impress God. Believe me, I know that I can't do it. How can imperfection impress Perfection? It's pointless. I do not need to earn His affection, he already provides it over-abundantly. And furthermore, God neither requires it, nor does He request it. He asks for one thing: authenticity. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength, and with all your mind." - Luke 10:27. Nowhere does it say "with all your eloquence" or "with all your impressive vocabulary".
Clearly God is royalty. He is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace...I could go on for hours. He certainly deserves the best words we can offer. But why do those words have to be multi-syllabic, 10+ letter words (...kind of like "multi-syllabic")? The three most powerful words in the bible were 4 letters with only one syllable: Faith. Hope. Love. God wants us to be in relationship with him. He wants us to be intimate with him. He wants us to be real with him. I cannot speak for others, but in my life "intimacy" is almost synonymous with "vulnerability". For me to be vulnerable with my God, I have to step out from the veil that I create with my words. I have no need to hide my brokenness. If I'm happy, I'm going to tell Him just that and thank Him for that. If I'm tired, I'm going to keep it simple. If I'm frustrated, I will let him know with the fewest words possible. Because to be honest, I can't wait to shut up and let Him speak. I want to be able to pour my heart out to him completely, and then wait for him to respond.
For this reason, I am coming increasingly irritated by the Christian cliches that are littered throughout public prayer. I find the same phrases turning up over and over and over in prayer, and it eventually gets to the point where the phrase means nothing to me anymore. Why should I ask God such a vague request as "fall upon this place" when I could straight up ask "allow me to experience your presence"? Why is it necessary to speak in biblical metaphors in a conversation with a personal God? I feel much more authentic telling God "I'm tired and I'm frustrated and I need strength and patience" than telling Him "I grow weary of running the race." Metaphors are a great tool to explain a concept. They are not necessary in expressing emotions. God knows my heart. He doesn't need me to to explain how I'm feeling.
Please do not misunderstand me. If your prayer is most authentic when using these terms and phrases, then do no think I am saying that my way is the only right way. When it comes down to it, I don't particularly care what words you use in your prayers. That doesn't involve me, its between you and God. I also have no right to tell you how your spiritual life should work. I'll be the first to admit that mine is often a mess. I can suggest that you consider the same question I have been led to: How can I be most vulnerable? How I can I be most authentic? If my logic is flawed, please bring it to my attention. Whoever you are, for whatever reason you're reading this, I value your opinion. Let's grow together.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
20/20
I'm going to level with you all: I'm scared. In less than two weeks, I will walk across the stage in the middle of Pomoco Stadium and be handed a college diploma, signifying that I will officially be a college graduate, holding a degree in English. The very next day, I will be completely lost. I do not have a job lined up. I do not have any internships lined up. I do not want to go to grad school, at least not right now. It is a very unsettling situation to find oneself in. So I'm scared. But I'm not panicking. I'm nervous. But I have peace. I have everything I need to be sure of my future success. I have a family who have supported me since birth and will continue to support me through my future endeavors. I have friends who love me who I know will always be there when I need them to be. And I know a God who is perfect in power.
For the past twenty-two years of existence on this planet, life has been good. However, I can no longer count on two hands the amount of times I've found myself in situations which seemed to have no beneficial results. Often times, I've cried out to God and found that He did not answer my prayers the way I wanted him to. At the time, it seemed that I had been abandoned. However, I have been learning recently that hindsight always really is 20/20. I cannot think of a time in my life when my God has not come through for me. Often times it has not been in the ways that I had wished at the time. But He always guided me through. And furthermore, I always find that his solution always yields greater results than mine. In an instance of particular emotional pain, my father once told me that sometimes it's ok to not be ok. Heartache is never pleasant. Loneliness is never enjoyable. But God is faithful. If it weren't for times of heartache, I would not be able to appreciate joy. If I had never felt loneliness, then I would not know how precious the friendships I have are. I often feel bad, because I am not good at orally verbalizing how much I appreciate people. My emotions are best conveyed through writing. So to anyone reading this: please know that your friendship means more to me than you can ever imagine. I feel so incredibly blessed to have you in my life. Even in times when I push you away, I always appreciate you. But I digress.
So that brings me to my current situation: scared and uncertain. But like I said, my God is faithful. I am learning to understand that there may be a time in the near future when I will not have any job opportunities. I may have to be ok with not being ok. But that's ok. Because I serve a big God, and I serve a loving God. He will provide. He already has. He's provided me an awesome family. He's provided me an incredible group of friends. If I stay in Richmond, I'm ok with that. If I move to Newport News, I'm ok with that. If I have to move to Charlottesville, I will eventually be ok with that. If I have to move to Northern Virginia, I will learn to be ok with that. If I have to move out of Virginia, I will not be ok with that, but God will bring to to a point where I am. I'm scared, but I trust my family. I'm uncertain, but I trust my friends. I'm apprehensive, but I trust my God. Because hindsight is 20/20, and they have always seen me through it. I'm ok with not being ok for a time.
For the past twenty-two years of existence on this planet, life has been good. However, I can no longer count on two hands the amount of times I've found myself in situations which seemed to have no beneficial results. Often times, I've cried out to God and found that He did not answer my prayers the way I wanted him to. At the time, it seemed that I had been abandoned. However, I have been learning recently that hindsight always really is 20/20. I cannot think of a time in my life when my God has not come through for me. Often times it has not been in the ways that I had wished at the time. But He always guided me through. And furthermore, I always find that his solution always yields greater results than mine. In an instance of particular emotional pain, my father once told me that sometimes it's ok to not be ok. Heartache is never pleasant. Loneliness is never enjoyable. But God is faithful. If it weren't for times of heartache, I would not be able to appreciate joy. If I had never felt loneliness, then I would not know how precious the friendships I have are. I often feel bad, because I am not good at orally verbalizing how much I appreciate people. My emotions are best conveyed through writing. So to anyone reading this: please know that your friendship means more to me than you can ever imagine. I feel so incredibly blessed to have you in my life. Even in times when I push you away, I always appreciate you. But I digress.
So that brings me to my current situation: scared and uncertain. But like I said, my God is faithful. I am learning to understand that there may be a time in the near future when I will not have any job opportunities. I may have to be ok with not being ok. But that's ok. Because I serve a big God, and I serve a loving God. He will provide. He already has. He's provided me an awesome family. He's provided me an incredible group of friends. If I stay in Richmond, I'm ok with that. If I move to Newport News, I'm ok with that. If I have to move to Charlottesville, I will eventually be ok with that. If I have to move to Northern Virginia, I will learn to be ok with that. If I have to move out of Virginia, I will not be ok with that, but God will bring to to a point where I am. I'm scared, but I trust my family. I'm uncertain, but I trust my friends. I'm apprehensive, but I trust my God. Because hindsight is 20/20, and they have always seen me through it. I'm ok with not being ok for a time.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Mobile Friendship
For some people, 7+ hours in a car can be maddening. When you're range of motion is limited to a radius of about two feet in any direction for hours on end, it doesn't take much to make one irritable. However, the older I get, the more I find that enjoy road trips. When I was a young child, the 5 1/2 hour (6 1/2 after numerous stops my mom required) trip from Richmond to Ocean Isle in North Carolina might as well have been the equivalent of a cross-country expedition. After a while, I would get tired of all my Gameboy games and count the minutes til we would be at the beach. Over the past year, however, I have developed a new-found appreciation of long car trips. I love my parents very much, but they do not make great travel companions. As I make more trips with my friends and peers, I am beginning to see how much of a positive impact these trips can have on a friendship.
The first of the experiences that influenced this reflection came in mid-July. While at school, I meet on a semi-regular basis with three of my closest friends here at school (Tim Powitz, Justin Ferry, and Brendan McElroy) to share what's going on in our lives. This has served to strengthen our friendship into one that I am certain will last for the remainder of our lives. However, it is hard for us to spend time with each other when we are not at school, as Justin lives here in Hampton, Tim and I live in Richmond, and Brendan lives all the way in New Jersey. In order to remedy the situation, Tim, Justin and I decided we would brave the treacherous lands of Washington D.C., Baltimore, and Philadelphia to visit Brendan for a few days. While the visit itself was incredible, it is a topic for another post, as I want to focus on the trip up and back. For the first time in months, Justin, Tim and I were able to just hang out and talk without having to worry about conflicting schedules. Because the three of us are such close friends, we were able to be real and vulnerable with one another. It is in these types of conversations that I am most able to see God work in my life. I saw what it meant to have people care about my life and had the opportunity to convey the same thing to them. I don't believe we would have had this opportunity had it not been for the metal and plastic confines of Justin's faded red Stratus.
One month later, I undertook another lengthy car ride. This time, I traveled with my long time friend, Kevin Jones. We had talked all summer of gather our friends and making a road trip down to Atlanta to see our beloved Braves play in their home stadium. Come time for the trip, the only ones who who could go were Kevin and I. As I mentioned above, Kevin and I have been friends for a long time. We grew up together attending Mount Vernon Baptist Church. When I was a freshman in high school, Kevin invited me to be a part of the praise band he was putting together, which would later become Little Man Ministries. However, as good of friends as Kevin and I are, I have always been closer to his younger brother, Ryan. Ryan and I have been great friends since our days in the RAs at church. Being an only child, I've always seen Kevin and Ryan as the brothers I've never had. Kevin was the older brother that I looked up to, but was kind of afraid to hang around to much lest I become an annoyance to him. It was awesome to finally get a chance to hang out just with Kevin. Because Kevin and I both have goofy senses of humor, the soundtrack of the trip consisted mainly of stand-up comedians, which had us in stitches for hours. The time that wasn't spent laughing along to the likes of Christopher Titus and Brian Regan, however, was filled with good, heart-felt conversation. For once, I had an opportunity to talk about things things that really mattered; things like spirituality, relationships, and the future in general. Kevin is an incredibly intelligent guy, and his devotion to the Lord is a rarity. I've always considered Kevin as a mentor of sorts, so the time that I got to spend with him on a one-on-one basis was a true privilege. In hindsight, I can think of few better places to have such an interaction with him than in a place where distractions are few and obligations fade away.
This past January, I made the trip to New Jersey for a second time. This time, however, there were more people present. Once again, I rode with Tim, but this time we were accompanied by our friends Anne Taylor Robertson and Mary Margaret Pike (my friend, Tim's girlfriend). I've been friends with Anne Taylor and Mary Margaret since we were freshman. However, in case you are unaware, I am very introverted. That's not to say that I don't enjoy being around people, because that could not be further from the truth. What it does mean, however, is that it takes me a little while to be comfortable with people. When I do become comfortable with someone, though, I am very loyal. Throughout the first three years we've been at school and participated in Young Life together, I've always considered them to be friends. However, I always felt a bit awkward in interacting with them. It must be known that this is no consequence of their doing, but rather just the way my social skills are wired. They have been nothing but welcoming, I'm just jacked up (kidding, kidding). This car trip, however, gave me the opportunity to hang out with them for an extended period of time. We were sort of forced (I don't like the word, though, because it has negative connotations) to engage in conversation. Although most of the conversation was surface level conversation, I really enjoyed it. I learned so much about them in that time than I have in any past interaction. By the end of the trip, I felt that our friendship had evolved from being friends in the sense that we hung out on occasion, to friends in the sense that I valued their company.
Friendship is an incredible thing. Life is more enjoyable when you have someone to share it with. However, friendship development requires time spent together. In the life of a college student, this time is hard to come by, as schedules seem to be overflowing with plans and obligations. When we finally find time to spend with friends, our environments are so full of external stimuli that quality time is often swept from under our feet. Sometimes, I have found, the only way to develop a friendship is to choose a destination, choose a traveling mate, and drive.
The first of the experiences that influenced this reflection came in mid-July. While at school, I meet on a semi-regular basis with three of my closest friends here at school (Tim Powitz, Justin Ferry, and Brendan McElroy) to share what's going on in our lives. This has served to strengthen our friendship into one that I am certain will last for the remainder of our lives. However, it is hard for us to spend time with each other when we are not at school, as Justin lives here in Hampton, Tim and I live in Richmond, and Brendan lives all the way in New Jersey. In order to remedy the situation, Tim, Justin and I decided we would brave the treacherous lands of Washington D.C., Baltimore, and Philadelphia to visit Brendan for a few days. While the visit itself was incredible, it is a topic for another post, as I want to focus on the trip up and back. For the first time in months, Justin, Tim and I were able to just hang out and talk without having to worry about conflicting schedules. Because the three of us are such close friends, we were able to be real and vulnerable with one another. It is in these types of conversations that I am most able to see God work in my life. I saw what it meant to have people care about my life and had the opportunity to convey the same thing to them. I don't believe we would have had this opportunity had it not been for the metal and plastic confines of Justin's faded red Stratus.
One month later, I undertook another lengthy car ride. This time, I traveled with my long time friend, Kevin Jones. We had talked all summer of gather our friends and making a road trip down to Atlanta to see our beloved Braves play in their home stadium. Come time for the trip, the only ones who who could go were Kevin and I. As I mentioned above, Kevin and I have been friends for a long time. We grew up together attending Mount Vernon Baptist Church. When I was a freshman in high school, Kevin invited me to be a part of the praise band he was putting together, which would later become Little Man Ministries. However, as good of friends as Kevin and I are, I have always been closer to his younger brother, Ryan. Ryan and I have been great friends since our days in the RAs at church. Being an only child, I've always seen Kevin and Ryan as the brothers I've never had. Kevin was the older brother that I looked up to, but was kind of afraid to hang around to much lest I become an annoyance to him. It was awesome to finally get a chance to hang out just with Kevin. Because Kevin and I both have goofy senses of humor, the soundtrack of the trip consisted mainly of stand-up comedians, which had us in stitches for hours. The time that wasn't spent laughing along to the likes of Christopher Titus and Brian Regan, however, was filled with good, heart-felt conversation. For once, I had an opportunity to talk about things things that really mattered; things like spirituality, relationships, and the future in general. Kevin is an incredibly intelligent guy, and his devotion to the Lord is a rarity. I've always considered Kevin as a mentor of sorts, so the time that I got to spend with him on a one-on-one basis was a true privilege. In hindsight, I can think of few better places to have such an interaction with him than in a place where distractions are few and obligations fade away.
This past January, I made the trip to New Jersey for a second time. This time, however, there were more people present. Once again, I rode with Tim, but this time we were accompanied by our friends Anne Taylor Robertson and Mary Margaret Pike (my friend, Tim's girlfriend). I've been friends with Anne Taylor and Mary Margaret since we were freshman. However, in case you are unaware, I am very introverted. That's not to say that I don't enjoy being around people, because that could not be further from the truth. What it does mean, however, is that it takes me a little while to be comfortable with people. When I do become comfortable with someone, though, I am very loyal. Throughout the first three years we've been at school and participated in Young Life together, I've always considered them to be friends. However, I always felt a bit awkward in interacting with them. It must be known that this is no consequence of their doing, but rather just the way my social skills are wired. They have been nothing but welcoming, I'm just jacked up (kidding, kidding). This car trip, however, gave me the opportunity to hang out with them for an extended period of time. We were sort of forced (I don't like the word, though, because it has negative connotations) to engage in conversation. Although most of the conversation was surface level conversation, I really enjoyed it. I learned so much about them in that time than I have in any past interaction. By the end of the trip, I felt that our friendship had evolved from being friends in the sense that we hung out on occasion, to friends in the sense that I valued their company.
Friendship is an incredible thing. Life is more enjoyable when you have someone to share it with. However, friendship development requires time spent together. In the life of a college student, this time is hard to come by, as schedules seem to be overflowing with plans and obligations. When we finally find time to spend with friends, our environments are so full of external stimuli that quality time is often swept from under our feet. Sometimes, I have found, the only way to develop a friendship is to choose a destination, choose a traveling mate, and drive.
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